Saturday, March 31, 2012

Made The Cut...

Out of thirty-plus duds over the last week, Fetus Fucker's pretty amazing Nothing At A Long Awaited Moment In Monumental Slabs In Enclosed Walking Distances To Nothing (2006) graduated from the freshman team to varsity starter after a surprised listen. Who knows how I missed this one, maybe the band name filled my head with tired sugarplums of dull gurgling goregrind or I was just on my period that week but either way, this album fucking kills. Excellent production, clean and mean recordings, tight mastering... I was amazed to find out this is the lone project of one seriously talented dude. Hopefully the Tempe, AZ one-man band is still at it, checking out B.E.N.'s semi-updated myspace page it seems there are plans for future releases so let's keep our fingers crossed. THIS is the fucking way to do it fellas, if someone needs a "how-to" manual for all the various gore/cyber/death/grind machines out there, download this shit. And then fuck it all up. Enjoy.

Currently watching: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III
Currently listening to: Suicide Silence The Cleansing

Friday, March 30, 2012

Hard Drive Deadbeats: PUNK

Finnish five-piece Anal Thunder has been at it since 1997, pumping out Social Distortion-esque punk across a half-dozen albums. Not terrible by any means, just not my cup of tea. I thought I'd give 'em a chance with 2010's Time Of Your Life, primarily because it offered a song called "Through Al Bundy's Eyes" which I simply had to hear. Well it wasn't exactly the show-stopper I had hoped and the rest of the album is just too mediocre to warrant more than a few listens. To be honest, there's probably a lot to like with this band, just not on my iPod. And the fact I sweated out playing drums in a Social D cover band for five years and if I never hear a Mike Ness-ish singer again for the rest of my life it will be too soon probably doesn't help. The band is still at it so good for them, there's little I still do the same since 1997 except jerk off. Get your translation software ready (it's mostly in Finnish) and check out their blog here. Nauttia.

Currently watching: Emanuelle In America
Currently listening to: 40 Below Summer Invitation To The Dance

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Hard Drive Deadbeats: NOISE

Welp kids, we've finally made it to the the real dregs. The dreaded "noise" category. Even those with already low expectations should give this post a second thought. First question on everybody's lips should be: "why did I download all of this in the first place?" Who the fuck knows. Most likely a quality blog post or recommendation; I do happen to like some pretty dull, dirgy shit and can deal with noise on a certain level (look at my undying love for Anal Cunt - especially the old stuff). But that's a pretty small window and my tolerance for harsh shit just for the sake of being harsh is rather minimal. But I digress, let's jump into a mini-synopsis of today's trash bin folly:

Contrepoison The Serpent Carries Him Into Paradise (split with Vatican Shadow): not so much typical "noise" as just really terrible Brian Eno-esque distorted (as fuck) synth pop with cheesy Brit vocals on top of it. A tough five minutes.
Deche-Charge 574 Tracks (split with Anal Massaker): The least talented floater in the storm drain. Just a bulldozer of roaring, yelling and nonsense. For only the most forgiving.
Destroy 2 We Are Voice And Rhythm Only: Yeah, I know having this one up is probably heresy to many simply because it is the union of two living legends, EYE (Boredoms, Z-Rock Hawaii) and Chew (Corrupted) but I just cannot get into the endless 20-second bursts of "YahYahYahYahYaaaaaah!" It's clearly interesting and "daring" to the zealous live audience but count me out.
Meat Slave (肉奴隷) split with Corrupted: If you dig harsh, chalkboard-scratching onslaughts of high decibel screeching you will cream in your jeans when your ears are pierced by this one. Amazingly it seems to be recorded live.
Morgue Fuck The Title: I actually had high hopes for this one, the cover and title seemed to smack of a healthy dose of self-depreciation. I figured wrong - ten indiscernible untitled tracks of painful blasting drumbeats, feedback and gurgling.
Penis Geyser split with Lotus Fucker: This almost made it into the "blur" category but gave me just too much of a headache to elevate it to that status. 1-2-3+blast of noise... 1-2-3+blast of noise... 1-2-3+blast of noise... You get the idea. 6 long minutes.
Prurient Many Jewels Surround The Crown: Not terrible, just not something I would ever really listen to. Somewhat blackened noise highlighted with ambient notes in the background punctuated by strange, rambling vocals. Mixed well and pretty listenable - almost seems like an amalgamation of the Blade Runner and Terminator soundtracks. You'll hear what I mean. Almost made the cut and upon revisitation... still almost made the cut.
Raging Retards Bring On The Gaffs... (split with Sloth): Wow, another really unpleasant band to happen upon when shuffling songs on the iPod. Sloth is one of those noisy bands which can usually get it right - Raging Retards are not. Endless blown-amp blasts of chaos with an occasional (electronic) guitar chord thrown in to give it some woeful legitimacy. At times it almost sounds like your NES is on the fritz. Miserable stuff.
Reaching. Collaboration (split with Wolverine Carcass): After a minute or so worth of random noise, prolific one-man anti-orchestra Reaching. offers two 11-minute tracks ranging from a sort of miserable, suicidal ambient dirge to a quieter, white noise wall of fuzz and feedback. Happy to hear they spawn from Richmond but just a bit too avant for my tastes.
RxAxPxE Anti-Female Orchestra (split with Intestinal Disgorge): Not really sure what the acronym stands for, what I do know is that RxAxPxE offers harsh gorenoise with a strangely techno sort of vibe to it. Enough blastbeats, horror flick samples and effect-laden gurgles and screams to make you dive for the "skip" button.
Shit And Shine Ladybird, Cunts With Roses, and Küss Mich, Mein Liebe: Who knows what I had going on the day I decided to spend my time downloading these three albums. London-based Shit And Shine have a impressively prolific back catalog but I gotta admit, most of their stuff sounds exactly the same. Industrial-ish thundering drumbeats looped over and over again with an occasional vocal here and there thrown in for fun. Makes me think these are what some of Ministry's tracks originally sounded like in their 30-minute LSD-soaked versions before Al whittled them down to album length. Not terrible and not offensive, just too repetitive to be interesting.
Stupid Babies Go Mad Damaged (split with Boris): I've listened to this several times and still can't figure out if it has anything to do with Black Flag's "Damaged" tunes. To be honest, this is less purposeless noise then just really, really noisy punk and while it does ooze a manic Japanese charm, I just ain't havin' it. Next.
Vatican Shadow The Serpent Carries Him Into Paradise (split with Contrepoison): Another strangely new wave noise effort, this 5-minute ambient instrumental track is less irritating than simply dull.
Wolverine Carcass Collaboration (split with Reaching.): More or less what I would consider typical "noise," WxCx assault the listener with 34 twenty-second blasts of song title screaming pandemonium, followed by a final 5-minute track of chaotic audio hatred. Based in upstate New York, this solo unit is manned by one half of the drone/doom duo Wicked King Wicker, a personal fave. I was excited to check out some of their alternate material, unfortunately the noisier side of the band didn't grab me.

Look, I don't feel like getting into the whole "I'm not knocking you personally, I respect all forms of creativity..." blah blah so let's just say I've given this shit a good try and just cannot get into it for more than 30 seconds. Those who like what you hear above (and I know you're out there) should spend a few hours checking out Bleak Bliss - the ultimate website out there for purveyors of "beautiful music." Adios gritónes.

Currently watching: Forced Entry
Currently listening to: Eminem The Slim Shady LP

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Hard Drive Deadbeats: INDUSTRIAL

Before you get all bent out of shape, no, I am not deleting any tunes by my favorite Japanese sludge band Corrupted. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for the legions of benchwarmers that have joined the band on their extensive 7-inch discography. Introducing German industrial trio Infaust. Generic nihilistic industrial in the vein of a poor-man's Godflesh. I'm sure their 1997 self-titled album offers something more then five minutes of the same effects-laden guitar riff over ponderously preachy screaming but I'll never know.

Currently watching: Murder Set Pieces
Currently listening to: Phobia Serenity Through Pain

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Hard Drive Deadbeats: GRINDCORE

I'm a sucker for grindcore. Blastbeats, speedy riffs, raw vocals and a generally manic vibe perfect for all-night coke binges or weed-whacking the shit out of the lawn. If it's done right, that is. For every Brutal Truth or Agoraphobic Nosebleed there are a hundred clones and knock-offs trying to push the sound or theme to even more ridiculous extremes. I'm sure someone could argue that the quintet above touch on some other genres than grindcore but I am simply too lazy and tired to start creating "brutal-technical-cyber-porn-core" posts. With that being said, please welcome Anal Torturer, Blastomycosis, Fuck Shit Up, Total Anal Infection, and the annoying mouthful A Coprophile Obsessed Virgin Schoolgirl's Underwear Rubber. Out of the five, Anal Torturer almost made the "keep" pile. Super Mega Loteria De Mactaes is recorded so pathetically basement-brow that it's practically a comedy album. If it's intentionally a joke then good job; if not, go back to working at the car wash, guys. Blastomycosis sounds like the million other bands teetering on the grindcore/brutal death metal tightrope complete with song titles and lyrics straight out of the Encyclopedia Of Pathology. Cool name withstanding, Fuck Shit Up is surprisingly tame, obvious Extreme Noise Terror devotees with little else to add. Indonesia grinders Total Anal Infection try their best but are sadly second rate. Poorly recorded and rehearsed, the best thing about Beast The Bitch is the cover. Saving the worst for last is Russia's awful ACOVSUR. An obvious parody of Japanese extreme grind, it is without a doubt the longest six minutes on this post. Vulgar and offensive just for the sake of it, completely talentless trash.

Currently watching: The Killing
Currently listening to: Enemy Soil Smashes The State! R.I.P. 1991-1998

Monday, March 26, 2012

Hard Drive Deadbeats: GOREGRIND

Oh boy, here we go. Looking at the 12 albums above it's no surprise that we've hit the infamous goregrind genre. The most inconsistent, inept and inane category in heavy music today spiderwebbing into a multitude of subspecies including gorenoise, deathgrind, grindgore and its bastard second cousin pornogrind (with all the noisome ilk that comes with that label). Impossible to really classify without using a dozen hyphens, lets just say when you're puking your guts out it doesn't matter what you've eaten, it's still all vomit. Huh. So where do we begin? Typical downturned gurgly nonsense replete with horror movie / porno samples. Half with a low-rent drum machine, the others with a low-rent drummer intent on simply plodding the double bass drum constantly for 40-second bursts of noise. For a genre that I'm not really wild about in the first place (save for the amazing Dead Infection and iconic Regurgitate) it's weird how much of the shit I buy or download. I don't know what the hook is, maybe it's a band name that gets a dry smirk, a humorously offensive album cover or simply a connection to another band I like (lots of 7-inch B-sides here). Regardless, the nine bands destined for the recycle bin today are Annorectal Protuberance and their 2004 demo Rancid Melanoma Vaginal (the sadly Engrish title should have stopped me at the door but, hey, I dig anal creampies); GUT wannabes Bitch Infection (humorously, the reason I got this album is my old band stole the same dead drowned blonde dude from for our album cover and I just had to check out the competition); another painfully tired GUT clone from Italy tastefully named Funeral Rape (four albums here: A Chainsaw In The Cunt, SEXperiment, split CD with fellow cut-out bin resident Dick's Ablation, and Porn Afterlife); Intestinal Infection's soporific side of their split with Regurgitate; Uruguay's Lamida Vaginal with their awful, awful 2010 demo Canibal Violador (hot cover though); Pulmonary Fibrosis's tepid effort from their split with mincecore legends Agathocles; Queef Huffer's marginally tolerable Infatuation With Vaginal Flatulence; the godawful Sodomizing Pornogenerator; and last, but not least, the (thankfully) defunct German one-man unit Vomitous Discharge. Look man, I'm not trying to throw stones, I dig the "creativity" concept here and that's great you were all able to hold it together long enough to get some tunes out there... it's just way below whatever floating standards I have today for the music library. If you're a real fan of this stuff, however, I urge you to check out Goregasmic Pornoblastoma, the one-stop blog on the web for all your "(blank)grind" needs. Bring an overcoat and wear your shades...

Currently watching: Touch Of Death
Currently listening to: Misfits Legacy Of Brutality

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Hard Drive Deadbeats: DEATH METAL

I really thought I had a winner when I picked up Ulcer Uterus's 2008 effort Agonizing Degradation. Blackened death metal tending towards a more political angle than the typical (and tiring) scatological stuff. Once again, the album's not actually bad, just painfully dull. Riffs and grooves that would have been incredible in the mid-90's seem overused and tired. Additionally, some of the song arrangements seem a tad out of synch ("Elite" especially) as if the instruments were recorded at different times. Finally, the album gives off a strange heavy metal vibe, don't ask me what it is, it just seems like there's a whole lot of treble for a death metal album! Honestly, if all the songs were simply downtuned one or two steps, I think we'd have a winner.

Currently watching: Libido Mania
Currently listening to: Carnifex The Diseased And The Poisoned

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Hard Drive Deadbeats: CYBERGRIND

Man, I've written a few posts about my passive-aggressive abhorrence towards cybergrind and the above bands easily fall into the "barely passable" category. I can appreciate the creative side of things in most cases but as a somewhat neurotic musician I just cannot get past the fact that a lot of cybergrind simply sounds like noise. I get the concept that it's "anti-music" and what not but it seems like more effort is put forth concocting marginally humorous pornographic song titles and an overly twisted album cover. I just can't get into it man, today we've got efforts by Anal Bag, Café Noise, Hairy Hole, Meat Paunch Mafia and Wormcumshot. Hairy Hole almost made the "keep" pile because there is definitely a purpose behind the pandemonium but in the end... well, game over dude. Get out the ear plugs.

Currently watching: Doctor Who: The Face Of Evil
Currently listening to: Red Hot Chili Peppers Mother's Milk